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Personal Master of The Hit & Run

Discussion in 'Personal, Serious, Interests & Debates' started by Swamps, Aug 26, 2018.

  1. Swamps

    Swamps Indie Wrestler

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    My strep father is someone I rarely talk about, and since I've been posting on public forums (circa 1998) I've never mentioned him. However, the Hydrocodone has got me in a talkative mood. My stepfather was a guy who was involved in a number of traffic accidents, and most (well hell all of them) were his fault. So tonight I'm dedicating this thread to him and his hilarious episodes of "I can't drive but it's everyone else's fault" driving history.

    The one I'll share now is the most hilarious one. The infamous Milk Truck story.

    When I was in the sixth grade my stepfather and mother went to work just before I went to school, and since we lived so far away, they would drop me off at my aunt's house so I could ride to school with her. Anyway, since it was 5:00 in the morning and an hour drive my step dad would stop at the store and get himself a cup of coffee. Pops had to have that pic me up like I have to have my full throttle in the morning today. Anyway, my mom was not with us this one morning because her shift started two hours earlier during this time of the year. So we go to our usual store, no one is usually there that time of morning, but as fate would have it, the Barbers Milk Truck was making a delivery this morning. My step dad goes inside gets his coffee and brings me back a mountain dew. This was the time of year Mountain Dew was having the march madness game, where if the team under your cap wins the titleyou win a prize. Anyway, he asked who my team was and I told him. It was some school neither one of us had heard of, so we laughed about it. My step dad began backing up laughing saying "They don't print out too many Kentucky and Kan..." BAM! Stopped what he was saying, and his smile had turned into that annoyed pissed off look, with the sigh too, that I had received many times before. My stepfather was almost 60 years old and I had never ever heard him say "fuck" in my life. His next sentences were as follows:

    "That motherfucking Milk Truck is parked in the fucking way. Let me get out and see if my fucking car is fucked up. I outta go in there and kick his ass."

    He was covered in coffee, as as the windshield and steering wheel. He gets back in the car and says I got fucking coffee all over my ass. I was laughing my ass off. I then said, it's a good thing I put the top back on my drink, huh. Then he yells at me to shut the hell up, and he just drives away. I say , "you ain't gonna stop and wait for the cops, it's an accident..." "Shut the hell up!"

    We drive down the road, in silence, minus my laughing. We stop at a red light and then he just runs the damn thing. I said, "You just ran the red light!"

    He gives me an annoyed look and says, "what the hell is wrong with you".

    My mom picks me from school that day and I tell her the story laughing my ass off, and she starts laughing her ass off too. When we get to my aunt's house my step dad is sitting outside playing a cross word puzzle game. It's obvious he is still pissed and doesn't want to be bothered. So I go up to him and politely say, "You know you are missing a tail light and your back bumper is busted up, right?" He says get away from him. Then in a very concerned voice I ask, "What happened?" He then yells at me to leave him the hell alone. So it's obvious something is bothering him so I go inside to get him something to drink to be a good son. I bring him a nice cold glass of milk and ask if he would like some milk. THen his rude ass gets up and drives away. I told everyone about it and people always asked him "Got Milk?" Also for Christmas that year I bought him The Dead Milkman's CD with Punk Rock Girl on it. Can you believe he hated it? What an ass!

    I got loads more of these stories, if ya wanna hear them, y'all.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  2. Highspot

    Highspot Failure is not an option Administrator

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    We should leave this section for you brother @Swamps as we would love to hear more stories. Also, btw, we will be holding a contest for the best thread post of the year among other things so keep posting.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  3. Swamps

    Swamps Indie Wrestler

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    Got another story of my stepfather, Al's, shenanigans I would like to share. First off, I apologize for the underlining in my first post. I was still on pain killers and didn't know (or care at the time, because everything was just to pleasant at the time) how to remove them. Can't believe I missed the U at the very top of the page.

    One evening my mother and I were traveling back home with good ole Al as our driver. Anyways, Al was driving behind a small red sedan that was traveling pretty slow. OK, this was a four Lane city Street in the metropolis of Valdosta (my homtown), and for some unknown reason he would not just go around the lady. So we keep traveling and out of nowhere the lady turns right into an auto parts store, no traffic signal used neither. BAM! Al smashes into the back of the vehicle! After impact, Al begins swearing about the lady and blaming her. Although he does have a point, she should have used her turn signal, he could have just as easily not been so close to her, or simply passed her in the left lane since he was already swearing his head off about her speed. While Al is swearing, the lady has stopped inside of the driveway expecting him to turn in to report the accident. Nope! He just keeps on moving on! My mom asked shouldn't he stop, and he said he didn't have to. I then said, "Hey, he didn't stop for the milk man neither." He yelled at me to shut the hell up, and it got awkwardly quiet in the car. I begin snickering and my mom tells me to shut up, so I put my headphones on. A little Rammstein always brightens my mood.

    About 10 minutes pass, and we are stopped at a traffic light and something catches my eye. I remove my head phones and point at a Barber's Milk Truck saying, "Hey look, isn't that the same milk truck..." My mom and stepdad cut me off at the same time:

    Mom: "Would you just shut up".

    Al: "It doesn't take much to amuse him, does it?"

    Stay tuned! He had several more! Well, some he stayed behind because the car as disabled, and get this! There was one that wasn't his fault! That was probably the funniest one. I swear to God, if they ever invent time travel I will go back in time, just to recorded that one!

    Have a pleasant day, lads!
     
  4. Swamps

    Swamps Indie Wrestler

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    Well, I would like to share another story of "Al's Adventure's", however, this one isn't a story where he leaves the scene after hitting someone. In this story, he wasn't at fault, but it was hilarious. His Honda Accord took one hell of a beating from 1995-1999.

    On Friday Afternoons, my mom, Al, and myself would make our usual trip home from school/work. However, since it was payday, they would make a few extra stops on Fridays. One in particular, being the local bread store. So Al, pulls into the parking lot of the bread store, and as he is attempting to pull into a parking space, an old man, who is obviously not paying attention, backs out of his parking space. BAM! After we get his, Al parks the car and throws his seat belt off, and turns around and looks out the rear windshield, breathing heavy with a real pissed off look on his face. He then says, "Stupid Son of a Bitch!" I'm laughing (as usual) and say, "I don't think he can hear you from in here". As soon as I say that, he jumps out of the car, and runs back to his rear bumper (where he had been hit) shaking his head. While he is exiting his car, my mom gets mad at me and asks "Why do you have to egg him on like that?". She gets out of the car and goes into the bread store not wanting to be around what is going on. Between my stepdad going off, and me instigating things, she knew is was bad.

    The old man gets out of his car, and he and Al are yelling at each other, and I'm just sitting halfway in the backseat and halfway out shaking my head and laughing. The old man's son was also in his vehicle and he was laughing his ass off too. I remember Al yelling, "I'm gonna call the Law to you" and the old man yelled back, "Call the law if you want to, I don't care" There were several people in the parking lot watching and laughing at the scene of to old farts yelling and swearing at each other over something so small. Especially since there was no damage from the crash. The old man's some was laughing (He was probably in his late 20s) and asked how I was doing. I told him, "I was having a bad day, but its awesome now! Just wish I had a cam corder". My step dad got pissed off at me for saying this, and the old man was like, "Do what?" This calmed them down and they ended up not calling the police on each other. The old man did point at a large dent on the back of Al's car and said he knows for a fact he didn't do that. I politely said, "We already know, it's from a milk truck". At this point, my step dad calmly told me to get back in the car or I would be finding me another place to live. I cheerfully responded, "Do you really mean it this time!" Obviously, it wasn't the first time he made that empty threat, nor was it the last time.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Highspot

    Highspot Failure is not an option Administrator

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    Wow, sorry about your stepdad but you have so many stories that are good. I hope you guys are doing well now that you can look back at it. BTW, AL is something right???
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Swamps

    Swamps Indie Wrestler

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    It may come across the way I'm typing, but it was more like Bam and Bam's Uncle. More or less, I aggravated the crap out of him. Would have loved to have had a smart phone to catch some of his shenanigans. He would have been a World Star regular, haha. He passed away back in 2000.
     
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  7. Highspot

    Highspot Failure is not an option Administrator

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  8. Swamps

    Swamps Indie Wrestler

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    Ok, sorry for the lack of activity lately. Been extremely busy between work and the family.

    Anyway, today's tale comes from second hand knowledge of what my mom told me, who was the front seat passenger during this Adventure of Al and his Honda.

    This was back in 1999, and I was at the hospital sitting with my grandmother, who was battling Cancer. Mad respect to her because she fought hard like a champ till the end, and on top of that dealt with aggravating grand children like the trio from hell (me, my nephew, and cousin). Plus my hard headed Papa drove her nuts thinking he was still in his 20s and not slowing down. Its that Cherokee life though. Work hard, love even harder.

    Anyway, I'm getting off topic. My mom and Al had left the hospital to go somewhere, so I stayed behind and kept my granny company. Brewster's Millions came on TBS not long after they had left, and since we both loved the movie we got into it and really didn't pay attention to the time. After the movie went off, I realized my folks had been gone for a while. I just brushed it off and thought maybe they may have went to get something to eat or lost track of time shopping or something. So more time passes and my mom enters the hospital room and she is drenched in water. I asked her, what happened and where is Al? She is trying to catch her breath, and begins to tell me the story. She informs me that they were traveling down the road and they were behind a Lincoln with two old ladies in the vehicle. She tells me that it is raining hard and Al is just raising hell about the two old ladies in front of him driving so slow. So my mom tells me that out of no where the Lincoln stops but Al doesn't, causing him to slam right into the back of the vehicle. My mom said he was just raising hell out in the rain after it happened, like it was their fault he hit them. Then my mom tells me that he caught a ride with the Tow Truck Company to the car lot after the cops worked the wreck. My mom said she had left after the cops got her information so she could get back to the hospital and wait for my aunt to get there so we could get a ride to out house to get my Car. That's right, my first ride was a 1991 GEO Prism! Total chick magnet! Not really, but it was great on gas, and gas was only like $1.50 a gallon back then. Miss them days too. Anyway, my mom asks me to not make fun of Al. She practically begs me not to make fun of him. As my aunt gets there, my papa (who rode with my aunt) hears the story and starts laughing. My papa looks at me and dares me be myself when I see Al. My mom gets mad and tells me to listen to him, and I respectfully tell her, "He is the Chief of our family, and my elder, so I have to listen to him or I'll be struck down by the Red Magic. She gets mad and storms out telling me to go with her and my aunt. My papa and granny are just laughing because they know what is about to happen.

    We get our house pick up my car and Al's mom decides she wants to ride with us to pick him up. So I drive us across town in the rain to the garage to pick him up. My mom tells me to go inside and let him know we are here. As I walk in I see him standing in the office pissed off, and he turns and looks at me through the glass as I'm walking in. As I walk in his mouth opens and he shakes his head looking at me, so I return my smiling ear to ear with my teeth just a showing, eye brows raised and head nodding. As I start to walk to him, he exits out the back. So I go back out to the car, and wait for him. My mom asks me what did I do, and I told her I didn't say anything to him, and that he looked at me and walked out the back. My mom is getting pissed off at me now and says you better not say anything to him, and at this point Al's mom is jumping my case to telling me that I shouldn't make fun of "My daddy like that". I turned around and looked at her and politely tell her, "My daddy died five years ago, and no one has brought him up today, nor have I even thought of him today until you mentioned him". This didn't go over well with this evil harlot of a woman.

    So it just gets quiet in the car, and Al finally arrives and sits in the front seat next to me. It is still quiet in the car so I turn and look at him and ask, "Did you use your preferred customers card since you are up here every other week now"? Al tells me you better not start with me while my mom and Al's mom yell at me. I smile and back the car up while asking, "Where to?" Al and his mom go home, and me and my mom go back to the hospital. Said he needed time to cool off and that I need to be away from him for a while because he may kick me out. I tell my mom, "Well, I guess I can go live under the bridge down in Jacksonville like my dad did. Wonder how I would look holding up a sign on the side of the road"
     
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  9. Swamps

    Swamps Indie Wrestler

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    Me and my best friend were talking today, and were discussing something about his father and My Step Dad, Al. They really didn't like each other, but we finally realized what the issue was...

    Al struck the milk truck, left the scene of the crime, and blamed the milk man for the incident.

    My best friend's father is employed as a Dairy Manager, we even called him, The Dairy Man!

    They were arch nemesis, battling it out in a different dimension, battling it out in the ultimate battle of lactose good vs evil!

    Damn, how the hell neither of us ever caught on to this sooner...

    Does this mean, we will have to battle each other like Peter Parker and Henry!? Nah, we will both destroy my living room after the Braves break our hearts in the Divisional Series. Had to buy a new TV after the Falcons shit the bed in the NFC championship in 2012... We won't even discuss that one Super Bowl.
     
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